i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
