haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
