she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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