my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
