he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
