My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
