dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
