guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
