don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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