my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
