Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
