i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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