i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He kissed a someone with a penis
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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