Your face is a jimmy john
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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