Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
