Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
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