dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
