how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
