It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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