dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I got her a Nickelback box set.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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