I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
