i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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