I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
