The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
