I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
