At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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