I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
