If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
