Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
