I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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