god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
