Pass out mid-funnel last night.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
i out mim tonsoeep
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
