I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
