Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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