you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
