can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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