oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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