My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
