I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
