In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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