Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
