so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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