Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
