I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
