2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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