you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
