last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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