I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
