we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
