Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Randomize
