So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
