What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Randomize
