i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
