I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
